Shames Attacked by Feminists

After waking up early and leaving his home at 2 pm the inevitable happened. Craig Shames was attacked by a group of feminists. It began when twelve women from the Adelphi Rugby team, piled into three different green VW Beetles and marched to his condominium armed with food from supermarket aisles 11, 12, and even the dreaded aisle 4 (baby food). They began by throwing mixed vegetables at him along with seeded hamburger buns (which he hates), motzah balls made by non-jews, twizlers but not the red ones he likes only the chocolate (as we know craig is against anything that is darker) and bags of carrot sticks (his favorite).....which apparently smelled like fish, you can fill in the blank on that one. One of the disgruntled women even went as far as to throw Susan B. Anthony coins at him, yelling "Its the mans fault that no one accepts these things, even in 7-11 I have to explain to them that its not Canadian currency". At the end of the beating they stripped shames of his clothes when a sudden twist of fate happened. They noticed he had no penis. They were shocked, as they began to feel bad that all along they had beaten on one of there own. As they were about to leave and apologize one of the women noticed that shames did have a penis, it was just that it was not noticable through the furry patch of hair between his legs. Upon realizing it the women did a manuever on craigs face know only as "feeding the kitty", and then forefed him big juicy steaks which he couldn't finish.

Most believed Shames had this coming after his offensive women's rights comments in his Danica Patrick article. Shames was hospitalized after being knocked unconscious by the center on the rugby team. One observer commented "She was pushing at least a duece and a half". Another observer commented "it looked an elephant sitting on a fly". One black observer commented "she had a fat ass...and nah I don't mean p-h-a-t, I mean straight up like two thanksgiving hams were up in his grill. "

After returning to consciousness Shames was available for comment. "This was not the type of twelvesome I had wanted." Shames denies reports that he began crying when they began forcefeeding him the seeded hamburger rolls, he is eligible for Time Magazine's Women of the Year Award

Deep Throat Revealed

If you haven’t heard about whats going on with the followup to the informant in the Nixon Watergate scandal then please read this article at http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2005/05/31/AR2005053100655.html before reading mine otherwise the parity won’t make too much sense to you.

3 months of mystery and days of waiting are now over now over. The mystery of the informant known only as “deep throat” who gave up Craig Shames in the scandal “Steroidgate” is now over. “Deep throat” revealed himself at a 9am press conference this morning to the world. His true identity, Rob Roll, the ss for the gamers. The real life story was even made into a movie called “All the Gamer’s Men”. The movie tells the story of Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward, the two reporters responsible for shedding light on the steroid scandal. The film showed many of the rendezvous tactics used by Roll to leak the story to the two reporters. Roll knew of the monumental risk, and of the wire tapping and surveillance techniques used by the gamers administration, specifically Manager William Bezouska know for his iron fist techniques such as the curfew. To erase the trail, Roll would ride multiple taxis, sometimes in the wrong direction and often walked long distances to reach the middle of the night meetings. It was reported that when “Deep throat” wanted to meet he would circle Woodward’s copy of baseball weekly, and even though it was circled in lipstick and said “for good time call Big Bob at 555-5555” the point was made. When Woodward wanted to meet with Rob he would take a rainbow flag, (the rainbow since he wanted to identify with Rob and assumed this would be a more welcoming symbol since Rob played for that team and we don’t mean the gamers) and fly it from his balcony. It appears that most of the rendezvousing took place at a male strip club requested by Rob, and Woodward still was confused about that till this day. “He would always call me and ask me what I was wearing. I was always like hey lets stick to the story here, lets not get off track. He then requested that we always meet at the same gentlemens club and requested that with respect to his anonymity that I call him deepthroat. I still don’t where that name came from; all I know is that all of the male dancers at the club said it was his special ability. …….I really didn’t want to know anymore at that point”
There had been months of speculation as to “Deep throat’s” true identity. Some speculated that deepthroat, perhaps a play on words for Gamers Lcf Brian Malfettone and his big mouth. Others thought it was Gamers’ Of Scott Zimmerman because of his feminine tendencies. The story remained confidential for so long because the two reporters, Bernstein and Woodward, went through great lengths never to reveal their source but when Shames was required to test for the steroids, the secret could no longer be hid. While those following the scandal know as “Steroidgate” are happy to see its over, others such as Gamers Rcf Scott Goldsmith could have cared less. “I’m not sure what everyone is talking about with Deepthroats involvement to Craig Shames. I watched the deepthroat movie and there was nothing about Craig in there. It was just some lady and a kabossa.”